"You Suck" by Christopher Moore

They're back! This is actually a sequel to Bloodsucking Fiends, my first foray into CM territory, back at the turn of the century. No, not THAT century, silly readers, this one! The year was 2000 and I was a happy little bookseller at a used bookstore back in the heartland. I came across this little beauty and picked it up for a song, I think no more than $1. WOW! Moore is a crazy guy and he writes a crazy story, but he's also very, very good.

This book picks up the story of Thomas C. Flood, would-be writer, overnight stock-boy at Safeway, and vampire minion. The vamp in question is Jody, who was turned into a vamp not all that long ago herself. She recruited Flood to be her "daywalker" if you will, because vamps still have to do silly, mundane things like pay bills, find an apartment, etc. In the very opening paragraph of YS, Jody has bitten and turned Flood into a fellow vamp, and he's none too happy about it. In fact, his exact phrase is "You bitch, you killed me! You suck!", thus giving the book its title.

Although Jody is a young vamp, only a few months old, she's already realized that she's going to be very lonely if she doesn't have someone to love, another vamp. It's definitely not going to be the old, evil thing that turned her - he was "vanquished" in the first book (and yes, those quotes are there for a reason - don't these people ever watch old vamp movies? They can't be killed that easily!) So she's turned Flood, which has created all sorts of new problems. For instance, now they need a minion, and Flood finds a doozie.

Abby Normal is a teen Goth girl, although one of her best friends declares she's still too "perky" to be a true Goth. You don't really get any descriptions of Abby in the third person - all of hers are pretty much from her diary, which makes up various chapters of the book. And let me tell you, Abby is THE BOMB. She has some really good ideas, she gets all the best lines, and she's very serious about being a good minion. I would love to see her get her own book next!

There are more wild and wacky characters as well as sub-plots going on here. There's The Animals, aka the stock crew at Safeway that Tommy has been working with. Obviously, he can't work there now - he's a vampire. And these are the guys that helped him "kill" Jody's sire in the first book. There's also a hooker picked up by The Animals while they're celebrating in Vegas (the old vamp had a lot of art on a yacht that they converted into cash, a sort payment for slaying the vamp). Blue is normal except for the fact that she's blue from head to toe, a decision made by her to give her a unique look and a niche market in the biz. Don't worry, it's just some sort of blue dye she's using, nothing magical about it. And there are three vamps that show up late in the game, looking for the obviously-not-vanquished old vamp that turned Jody. It's all great fun and the plot, while fantastical, comes together nicely.

If you're familiar with Moore's work, you know he's a bit like Stephen King in that previous characters make an appearance every now and again. Look for the Emperor of San Francisco along with his "troops" and the main character of "A Dirty Job", Charlie Asher, to make appearances. As usual, this book gives Moore an out to write about these characters again, but not in a way that leaves you saying "hurry up and get the next book out!". If you want an excellent laugh and an over-the-top funny vampire read, check out "You Suck" today.